Jealousy, money, sex and interference from in-laws are just a few things that can cause relationship strife. Why do relationships fail?
Here is the authoritative guide to what’s going up and what’s going down in the argument charts — and how to stop your relationship being derailed:
1. Jealousy
Stories of celebrity infidelity and the divorces of supposedly ideal couples (like Jennifer and Brad) reinforce just how many people stray. Twenty years ago, we had a much clearer idea of right and wrong. But what constitutes being unfaithful today? Is it looking too long at a pretty face in the street? What about a long lunch with an admirer that you don’t tell your partner about? Is it ok if you stop at just a kiss?
Solve it:
Jealousy is a sure sign of poor self image: “I’m not good enough to be loved.” Rather than relying on your partner to give you confidence, find ways of giving yourself a boost, like going to the gym or taking evening classes. Next make a list of the occasions when you feel jealous. Try to tolerate, without resentment, the incidents that cause lower levels of jealousy.
Over time, your partner will notice — probably subconsciously at first — that you have relaxed and are not monitoring him or her round the clock. He or she will then be more receptive to discussing the occasions that give you real stress — like the office Christmas party or going away on business without you. So how do you start this conversation ? First point out what you’ve achieved: “I’ve not been commenting about other men or women in the street or on television.”
Secondly, talk about your fears about the up-coming event and how they make you feel. Finally ask if he or she can suggest anything they’d feel comfortable doing that might help. Agreeing to phone every evening at the same time or going away the next weekend together so there’s something to look forward to. It always feels better if these things are offered rather than having to demand them. All it takes is a little effort and understanding.
2. Money
Different spending priorities have always been difficult, but the new twist is suddenly discovering your partner has accumulated large credit card debts. Couples today are generally less willing to have joint accounts than twenty years ago and instead use complicated systems to divide bills and shuttle money between them. For example, he pays the mortgage and for the car; while she pays for groceries and utilities. These artificial divisions are prone to misunderstanding and acrimony.
Today’s couples think keeping their own bank accounts will stop arguments over one of them being a spendthrift. There will still be arguments over whether they can afford the latest iPod, but the argument is blind because in these ‘together-butapart’ financial partnerships, neither knows the real state of the others’ affairs.
Solve it:
Make a list detailing the general areas in which you spend your money, like holidays, investments, luxuries, etc. Each of you should separately rank these in order of importance and share your results. Next discuss how each of your parents might have ranked the same items, and how their choices affected you as a child.
Remember money is never just about money, but intertwined with security, freedom, dependency, self-esteem and power. With a clearer understanding of each other’s fears about money, you will be better placed to agree on a budget. Next discuss having a joint household account; if you can share a life together can’t you also mingle your money? A little planning in the short run will help a lot in the long run.
3. In-laws
Nobody likes unasked-for advice, especially when it comes from his or her parents. However, if we rely on them for child care or financial help, they probably feel that they have a right to an opinion too. Involvement from outside is less of an issue than 20 years ago, as these days, not only do people see less of their parents , but parents are also more likely to respect our privacy.
Solve it:
Make certain your partner feels you are both on the same side in any dispute with either set of parents. You might make allowances for your own parents’ ‘little ways’, but don’t expect your partner to do the same.
4. Division of labour
Twenty years ago, there were more arguments about gender roles at home and at work. Women still undertake more housework, but most couples seem to have reached an acceptable compromise. We are also benefiting from less of the old ‘men don’t talk’ and ‘women are better with feelings’ stereotyping.
Solve it:
If you pass on responsibility for something, you also give up control. However, if your partner’s standards and time scales set your teeth on edge try swapping jobs for something less stress-inducing . For example, if you are very picky about cleaning the bathroom and feel all the grouting between the tiles should be scrubbed every week, it is unlikely that your partner’s cleaning will meet your standards.
Let him be responsible for something you are less passionate about instead, for example, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Be aware that sometimes people agree to do a job to keep the peace, but really are not that keen. Instead of speaking up, they silently communicate their dissatisfaction by never getting round to finishing jobs or deliberately doing it badly — so you don’t ask again.
If this sounds familiar, you will probably also be familiar with the nagging and bitterness that accompanies it. Instead try a non-confrontational approach, where you share how this makes you feel rather than criticising, which makes people defensive.
5. Sex
Fewer couples go to counselling today to complain about their love life. This is partly because we are more knowledgeable and more willing to talk about what we want in bed. However, many couples are simply too tired to enjoy sex and some can’t even find the energy to worry about it. When sex is a major issue, the most common complaint is that one partner has ‘gone off it’ — leaving the other bewildered and angry.
Solve it:
Don’t fall into the ‘all or nothing’ trap of either intercourse or a cold shoulder. Keep physically intimate - even when you’re too tired — by kissing, stroking and cuddling. This is pleasurable in its own right, not just as foreplay. Of course the fondling can turn into full sexual desire, but to start with, avoid this temptation until you have established that agreeing to a cuddle doesn’t guarantee sex.
In the future, when the hand sneaks over to your side of the bed you don’t have to decide immediately if you’re interested, but instead have time to be intimate together and decide whether you want hors d’oeuvres or the full meal.
