Relationships are changing faster than ever before — and so are the triggers for break-ups , says UK based counsellor Andrew Marshall. New issues not even dreamt about 20 years ago, such as chatroom romances and online pornography, have risen to prominence. Today couples have issues which didn't exist a decade back, or rather took a backseat then. Why are relaionships failing today? Is it the lack of love or just too busy a life? Find out...
1. Low expectations
We expect relationships to fail. The “all men are jerks” mind set and “all women are bunny boilers” mentality has spread from being a joke with our mates into a self-fulfilling prophecy. We wait for our new boyfriend or girlfriend to trip up and then zoom in on their mistakes. Today’s couples think they are being realistic, but often this is just cynicism in disguise. Twenty years ago, couples saw marriage as an end in itself and were prepared to compromise to sustain their relationship. Therefore, they were more trusting and ready to give their partner the benefit of the doubt.
Solve it:
When people ask how many of my clients’ relationships are beyond help, my answer always surprises them: less than five percent. I believe that we make fundamentally good choices. So why so much divorce and misery? Everybody’s childhood leaves them with relationship dilemmas inherited from watching their parents’ marriage. It might be ‘not showing feelings’, ‘how to cope with unfaithfulness’ ‘temper tantrums’ or ‘attitudes to loss’ — the list in endless. We are drawn to people not just because of their great sense of humour or looks, as we imagine, but because they have similar problems to our own.
2. Work/life balance
Today we are working longer hours, doing more shift work, commuting further and therefore spending less time together than twenty years ago. When we’re tired, communication is cut down to the bare essentials (‘What time will you be back?’) as you cross paths in the kitchen. Although this shorthand is very efficient, there is no time to explain the complexity of our feelings. Into the gap leap all sorts of assumptions and misunderstandings. For example Rahul, a forty year-old chartered accountant, did not realise the importance of attending his partner’s company social. He did not understand why she was so huffy the next morning and just put the atmosphere down to a hangover but was in too much of a hurry to ask. In the past, couples would stay up half the night fighting, and probably solve the argument; today they are too aware of that early meeting to want to waste precious sleep time. Instead we complain that our partner never listens.
Solve it:
Invest in your relationship by setting aside ‘sacred time’ that belongs to just the two of you. For example: make Thursday night your date night — even if you can’t go out, spend the time talking, listening to music or making love. Many couples in therapy find they benefit most from the concentrated, quality time they spend together, rather than the counselling. Secondly, don’t make assumptions but check out your hunches.
3. The internet
The arguments are not just how much time is spent on the Internet — for work or pleasure — but about starting deep ‘friendships’ in cyberspace and viewing pornography. Research among 1,500 adults found that 46 per cent believed emails, texting and chatrooms had led to a big rise in infidelity; 30 per cent had used electronic communication to flirt, or to sustain an affair; 22 per cent of them had done it every day and 62 per cent had done it once a week. In the past, few men had access to porn beyond top-shelf publications and most were too embarrassed to buy them. Today’s Internet porn is more extreme: we are bombarded with adverts for it. What’s more, the technically competent woman can trace every site her man has visited.
Solve it:
These problems need to be nipped in the bud. Long hours on the computer at home are a signal that something is wrong. Don’t ignore your instincts. Ask your partner why they need to spend so much time consuming ‘virtual’ life. They could be unhappy with your relationship together and the time on the computer is really a cry for help. So what kinds of Internet friendships are acceptable? Forums with a special interest - like Startrek or dog training — are fairly harmless but be wary of friendships made on general chat sites. Pornography is a tough one because everybody has different standards. Some couples decide to share it together and incorporate some of the ideas they discover into their regular lovemaking. Some women tolerate their men occasionally indulging, but ban spending money on the accessing pornography. Whatever your viewpoint, it is important to really listen to what your partner has to say. Unless you both truly understand each other’s opinions, you will not be able to find a working compromise.
4. Space
Traditionally it’s been men who’ve wanted time to themselves, but today women burdened by work and kids are asking for ‘me’ time too. However it, is much less divisive than before as this generation of fathers (under 40) are much more involved with their children.
Solve it:
Successful couples are both team-mates and individuals, so don’t feel criticised if your partner needs space. Negotiate how often you each need time alone, and for how long, so there is a balance between ‘me’ time and ‘us’ time.
5. Children
Agreeing on the basic principals of child rearing is easy; the problems are all in the details. Fewer couples have bitter fights over their kids than 20 years ago — unless they have already split — but the stress points have changed from 20 years ago. Today couples worry about issues such as what happens when the child care arrangements break down, how much freedom it is safe to give children and how their internet usage can be supervised. Parents have always argued about what is appropriate at what age, but these days everything starts younger with, for example, pre-teens wanting to dress provocatively like their pop idols Britney Spears or Bipasha Basu.
Solve it:
Never let your kids divide and rule. Set up a system that allows you and your partner to confer before giving any major decision.
Source: ANI
